I want to preface this post, with the fact that I love my daughter and husband more than anything in the world. Would die for them, either of them, in a second. I know how blessed I am to have them, not for one day do I forget that. But still. Tonight, this Friday night, I miss ‘Me’.
There is a reason why I named my blog ‘The Hesitant Housewife’. Because I want to be that person, so badly. I want to be the housewife, the stay at home mother. I want to completely rock it, to be honest. I want this life, to be me. But, just quietly, I wonder if I will always be hesitant. I wonder if it will ever come naturally to me, whether I can 100% commit to the person I want to be. Because tonight, I miss “Me”. I miss the person that wasn’t my daughters mother, my husbands wife.
I miss the ‘Me’ that could be ridiculously irresponsible, and the only person who would pay would be me.
I miss the ‘Me’ that didn’t wake up every morning, and have to be responsible for a whole other life.
I miss the ‘Me’ that was fun, and crazy, and spontaneous.
I miss the ‘Me’ that put make up on, straightened her hair, wore clothes other than singlets and shorts/tracksuit pants.
I miss the ‘Me’ that left the house, and went to work. Chatted and joked with people, adult people.
I miss the ‘Me’ that was a coordinator, that demanded respect from people. People who didn’t giggle, and laugh, and run across the room. People that listened, because they had to. People who, though I didn’t realise it at the time, validated me, and what I had to say.
I miss the ‘Me’ that cares. Cares that I hadn’t shaved my legs, cares that I am wearing the same maternity shorts that I’ve worn for the last 3 days. Cares that I really don’t care anymore.
As much that I have wanted this, to be a mum, to be a wife, for my whole life, surely, I must be more? Surely I have not been dissolved by all that I have attained to be?
I love my daughter. I love my husband. I want to be everything to them. But, I want to be ‘Me’ too.
If only I knew who ‘Me’ was.
Am I the only one that feels this? Or are other “Mummies’ fumbling their way back to “Me” too? xx