Everything I ever wanted, yet still not quite enough.

Everything I ever wanted, yet still not quite enough.

I have everything I ever wanted. An amazing husband, and a beautiful daughter; my own little family who love me. Yet somehow, it is not quite enough.

I haven’t had a conversation with anyone apart from my husband for a week. And that was just a quick conversation with my mum at midnight to wish her a happy new year.

I am so desperately lonely. I spend 12+ hours a day with a two year old with limited language. I spend the majority of my day feeling like I am endlessly bashing my head against a brick wall.

I had this image of what life would be like as a mother. I imagined spending time with other mothers, our children playing together, as we had a coffee and compared notes on children, husbands, life, blah blah, blah. I did not picture staring at my daughter at 10am and thinking, “what the fuck do I do for the next 10 hours?” Admittedly I did not expect that pregnancy would rob me of my ability to drive. I also did not expect my not having the ability to drive to rob me of my friendships.

Yet here I am. Truth be told, I have no ‘in real life’ friends. Not friends that I see regularly, speak to regularly, friends that I would call and say “I am not coping today”.

Monday rolls around, and I take a deep breath and brace myself. For 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, just me and a two year old. Just me and my daughter, who I love to the moon and back, but who doesn’t understand me, and who I struggle to understand. Who, as newly diagnosed as autistic, has yet to learn how to interact with me, and I with her. Who, quite frankly is a toddler, and really, who can survive on just the company of a toddler, autistic or not?

I have everything I ever wanted, yet I want more. I need more. I need to be more than a wife and a mother. I am never alone, yet always lonely.